8- How It Feels

          The first time you have anal sex is a lot like the first time a woman has sex.  You bleed, and it hurts, and it doesn't feel very good.  You bleed because of the tearing of tissue- vaginal, anal.  You bleed a little or a lot. For some people, you bleed for a long time afterwards.  My first time, I had to sit down with wadded up toilet paper crammed up my ass for three days.  Every time I sat down, I felt like I should have been checking the chair for great big shards of glass, and every time I stood up, I could feel this steady, digging pain from my upper thigh all the way up inside of me. 

            Each time it happens, I shit razor blades for almost two weeks. I don't know if it always hurts for a woman, but it always hurts for me.  Every time.

            How it feels is hot, like a heated knife digging into your skin.  How it feels is the tearing of your flesh.  These days, though, there isn’t much blood.

            You wake up in the morning, sore but paid.  You wake up, and you take a shower and you don't feel clean.  A bit of blood swirls around the drain, and when it’s over, you’re Ivory soap- 99.44% pure.  That’s as good as it’s going to get.

            You turn the cold water as far off as you can stand, and you feel that hot water digging into your skin.  The heat is going to blister you, and you feel it melting away layers of dirt, layers of skin.  Sometimes it gets so hot…you almost can’t stand it, and you feel like if you just stood there long enough, it’d all be over.

            You watch the shower door and the mirror fog up and you cover yourself in soap and shampoo and you wish it was bleach and Lysol toilet cleaner. 

            You do this whenever you don’t have another scam running.  You do this whenever you need some money to make rent, to score.  That’s it.  It doesn’t make you a faggot.

            You get out of the shower, and you wipe the steam from the mirror, and you’re forced to see your face.  You brush your teeth, and you still think you taste semen in the back of your throat, so you take two, maybe three hits of mouthwash.  This can become a ritual.  You brush again and again.  You go through a tube of toothpaste in a couple of days when it's a steady work week.  You brush until your gums bleed and your teeth gleam, and this time you swim your tonsils in Listerine until they burn.

            This is how it feels.

            And, tomorrow, maybe…you do it all over again.